While browsing through my music, I found an old CD in a drawer, Switchfoot’s The Beautiful Letdown. And I of course had to listen to it. And this song really got me. Made me start thinking, wondering, dreaming. Am I who I wanna be? Right now, today? If nothing else mattered? Am I being me?
The long and short of it? No. I’m not. I know who I want to be, but to actually be there? It’s something I’m working on.
I’ve always been the kind of girl to be ashamed of what I like, even if it’s something I love. I think this is stemmed from the fact that I grew up in a very judgmental household. I’ve loved music since I was little, but my dad judged it. Hated it. Mocked it. Made me feel bad I was even listening to it to the point where I hid what I listened to. I only listened at night, played low or through headphones. I quit singing out loud because he would tell me to ‘not quit my day job’. So I’m especially sensitive.
Same with TV shows; as a kid, I was a hardcore Dragon Ball Z/Sailor Moon fan. I watched them religiously…until people started judging me. I didn’t take into consideration that there were other people out there, more fanatic than me. All I saw was the haters. I remember one time, around 10 or so, my friend and I were at Wal-Mart and she was excited to show me a couple of new DBZ toys. She pretty much had to drag me down the ‘boy’ aisle…and even when I wanted those toys, I played ‘cool’ and pretended it was stupid…why? Just in case someone judged me walking down the aisle. Why did those strangers MATTER to me?
But it’s something I’ve always done. I’m afraid of judgement. And you know what? I’m tired of judgement… What does it matter if someone thinks I’m a loser, if I’ve never met that guy in my entire life nor will I ever see him again? Yeah, it’s a lot diff when your siblings or parents or friends mock you, but usually then it’s in jest, not a serious “Dude you’re lame, get a life” sort of thing.
As a plus-sized girl, I’ve always felt like I should wear what’s expected of me, even if it’s Not Me. I’m a hater of stretch pants, but that’s what I wear, because they’re comfortable. But I hate them. My friend helps pick out my clothes, because if they look good on her, they’ll look good on me. And I love her for that–but our tastes are wildly different. She likes classier, frillier things.
Me? I’ve got a taste for the more punkish, layered stuff. I like jeans and studded belts and rainbow fingerless gloves. I like Day-glo orange nail polish and bright eyeshadows and heavy eyeliners. If I had the money to get it professionally done, my hair would be a different color every three months. I’m planning on buying teal Fishbowl dye for Christmas just because. I like the stuff that Hot Topic sells. Why? Idk. I just think it’s cute and it’s me. More me than I’ve been in a long time. Are people gonna judge? Hell yeah–they judge my little sister, call her emo because she likes wearing black. She’s not emo. She just likes the style. It’s who she wants to be. There will always be haters.
The only downside of that is, in our town? Cute clothes are for the people in size 6s and A-cups. Even if I hit my goal weight, a size 6, on me, would be skeletal. I could do a comfortable 12/14. But that’s not the point. The point is, I need to find a place that sells what I deem cute clothes, in bigger sizes. They have to be out there. So I’m on the search.
And yeah, clothes don’t make the person. But I’m learning to love the girl I am inside, the girl who bursts into Christmas songs, interchanging words with naughty ones, in the middle of July. I’m the girl who says random things just out of spontanety, laughs too much on a lame joke she’s heard three times already. I love to laugh, and I love to have fun… And if people mock me? I’m learning to get over it and stop being so sensitive. They mean nothing to me.
Are you who YOU wanna be? Why or why not?
And do you know of any awesome clothing lines that are cute AND plus-sized?