Tag Archives: anxiety

Changes Left and Right

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First off: My blog will be going through a couple of changes–I need to make a banner, one that fits me. One that will hopefully keep me blogging for years to come. I’m wanting something that resonates with me. So expect a little ‘construction’ if you will, as I work on a banner and fiddle around with the layout colors and all that jazz :) Yes, it will probably involve a certain doxie boy. That just means I have to get off my bum and DRAW HIM >3 So yes, check back periodically (or hey! Every day! :D ) to see the New-and-Improved Kodi-blog!

So I’ve been running around like a chicken with its head cut off (and believe me, I was chased just last year by a headless chicken, and it’s terrifying!) trying to figure out what I’m doing. Yeah, I write. I’ve been writing since I was old enough to scribble lines on paper and staple a ‘book’ (and I ended up stapling my finger and, to hide the evidence, said the cat bit me as my finger bled. I was told not to mistreat the cat and she wouldn’t bite me). I’ve had a lifelong dream of being published, of having people (unrelated people!) read my books and go “Man, when does the next one come out?” It’s just something I’ve been wanting…for forever. I love books.

My family told me I was good (but they’re family. They’re gonna say that!) but I didn’t believe them. My writer’s group started asking when I was going to start putting stuff out. So last year, I got a couple of short fantasy stories published in two anthologies and have a third accepted and on hold. It gave me hope that yes, I truly WAS good enough.  But I didn’t have direction. I wasn’t sure where to go next; I just lived by the chant “Just Keep Writing!” with the dream of someday being great enough to have beautiful YA fantasy books on the shelves at Borders, maybe even someday hitting the NYT. Big dreams, but if we don’t have dreams, what do we have?

This past year, I reworked and rewrote a novel that I feel is, quite possibly, The One for me. And now it comes down to Decision Time. Do I go the Traditional route? Do I aim for querying agents, aim to have my books in bookstores even though bookstores are slowly becoming a dying breed? Or do I embrace the New Age of e-books and Indie publishing? (and I’ll admit, I adore e-books. I love my Kindle and you can’t beat buying a well-written, epic book under 5 bucks with a click of your mouse!) I’ll have to deal with anxiety and stress either way. Each one has their pros and cons.

But no matter how much I read and research, I’ll decide “Yes, I’m going Trad!” one day, and then be iffy the next. This isn’t just me wanting a book out to see my name in print; I’m not a one-trick pony. I have books in me, hundreds of books needing life breathed into them. I want to make this my life. I want to, someday, not have to worry about finding a job that I can work despite my disabilities.

I’m the kind of person to walk around a pond 30 times on a hot summer day, circling it but not daring to dip a foot in, afraid that I’ll drown. But I know that if I just…jump, fling myself into the water headfirst without a second thought, I could find out I’m a really great swimmer! (Or, hey, if you wanna be negative, I could drown! LOL Always a possibility!)

I think, for me, I’m gonna have to pick one and go for it. No thinking, just doing. But until I decide? I’m gonna have to “Just Keep Writing!”

What about you? If you’re a writer aiming for publication, which path have you decided to head down? What are your opinions/ideas on the subject, or the reasons for your decision? Readers: do you have a preference between indie or traditionally published books, or are they all ‘just books’ to you? I’d love to hear feedback :)

Long Day Was Long

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First thing’s first: 19k for Camp Nano :) Whoot, ahead of the game by a couple of thousand words, which is making me feel pretty darn good. My goal is to finish my novella-novel (unsure which it is at the moment) by August 31st, rather than 50,000 words. (Okay, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to get 50k! I just don’t foresee my story being that long! Still, I’ve got another novella I need done by Jan, so I may start that :D )

This past week we’ve had my stepsisters for their last days of summer vacation before school starts (I believe they’re going into 10th grade, 5th grade and Kindergarten, respectively). I’ll admit–I’m not a big little-kid fan. They drive me insane and I stress out when the 3 bedroom house is full of 7-10 people (this includes blood family, step family and whatever friends my sibs have over). I typically hide out in my bedroom until they leave, but a week’s a little long to only come out to use the bathroom and eat LOL. So I endured. They were good and I actually -gasp- enjoyed their company…until today, at least, when I woke up too early and before breakfast the 5-year-old was nagging me: “I wanna play Barbie.com!”. Uh, no. Eat your cereal and shaddup! XD (Okay, I’m not THAT mean…kinda)

Then of course we had my new puppy, Remy’s neuter scheduled for today. Mom got up at 6 am, took him to our low-cost spay/neuter clinic some 30 minutes away, and came back. We estimated picking him up between 5-6 pm, giving us time for a nap. Upon learning that the girls’ mom couldn’t come until 6, and we’d be in town then with no one home to watch them, we (read: I) had a little spazz attack. So we changed plans, got permission to drop the girls off at their grandma’s place…and then the clinic called and said we had to pick Remy up between 2-3pm. Cue panic x 2. Add into the mix the fact that long-distance car rides make me anxious (and long-distance car rides + 2 talkative kids under 10 make me even MORE anxious? Yes I’m a naturally nervous person–I’m on meds for a reason xD)

Long, long day.

But in the end? I got some amaaaazing Japanese teriaki chicken on fried rice? To. Die. For. Plus the fact that we swung past my friend’s place and visited for a little bit. The day turned out pretty good ;)

Remy’s home and no worse for the wear; the anesthetic’s already worn off and now we’ve been instructed to keep him “quiet” for 7-10 days. Even though Remy is part doxie, and my other doxies are…well…lazy? Remy is young and spirited and races laps around the front yard on a Flexi-leash every night. And we’re supposed to keep him quiet? LOL. Ohboy. He’s not even been home three hours and he’s wanting to go-go-go. Having a couple of parts removed has not phased him. He looks at me with those big, melty-chocolate eyes and practically says “Moooommmm whyyyyy?” xD So cute. Can’t help but love him <3

See what I mean about melty-chocolate eyes? :D

21.4k and a hectic week!

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This week’s been kinda hectic.

First, my anxiety has been acting up and being funky. I’ve struggled with anxiety/panic my entire life and for awhile, it ruled my life. I was a hermit at one point in time (though dog obedience in 4-H brought me out of my shell a little). There was a point where I’d somewhat beaten it, thought I was “stronger” than the medication and went off–you guessed it–cold turkey @.@ Stupid idea. I was good for a month, then nosedived. Had to quit my job and it just sucked. I got stable again with the help of my lovely therapist/shrink combo…and now it’s picking up again.

I’m ignoring the Voice Of Reason (ie; my mother) who says my anxiety had been managed back when I was Gluten Free…but I fell off the GF bandwagon. I’m not Celiac, but I am semi gluten-intolerant… My grandma/mom have gone GF and it’s helped them a lot. It also helped me…but the food choices aren’t great on a strict budget and, well…not as tasty because none of us cook really LOL. So. Yeah, yeah, eventually I’ll return GF…but until I’ve got money coming it, ain’t happening. Still, panic attacks in the car suck.

Then my stepdad found a dog on the street, no collar/tags and…of course, being Greg, brought her in to live with us. Take note that we have six dogs and nine cats already; a full house. Still… We called the shelters, visited the vets, I put an ad on Craigslist. The dog was a young, 1-2 year old gorgeous shepherd/boxer mix, brindled gold and black like a freaking tiger. She was very dominant and in the three days we had her, she tried to up her rank in our little pack. We called her Charlee. Fortunately for us, via a shelter volunteer and Craigslist, we found her owner! Yay Charlee!

Then we had my stepsiblings (all girls, ages 5, 10 and 15) for the weekend. They’re…well…they’re kids LOL. The youngest, Brooke, I adore but she talks sooo much. And now that she’s really carrying on convos, she keeps coming into my room and interrupting me. We ended up watching some Wake Up Kitty youtube videos together cuz I may not like kids, but Brooke’s cute :) But they’re all home now. Bad news is, we get them against next weekend because Easter is our holiday.

Once again, I am thanking the Gods (or…my grandma, ILU GRANDMA) that I now have a desk/computer/net set up in the serenity of my ROOM. Not only would I have not been productive all week? But all weekend as well. Instead I gained several thousand words, totaling me in at 21.4k as of 11pm Sunday. Hard to believe I just started the 4th of April. I’m actually getting into the plot, starting to grin and love it…even though this is a rewrite and I basically know what happens already! But still, this is an adventure within itself.

And just gonna give a shout-out to my friends, Janee “Wizzie” and Sadie, for reading it as I go and pointing out errors…this is a wonderfully awesome help. I love my friends <3

Thinking about hopping on the #ROW80 thing while I’m at it :) We’ll see come Wednesday!